for followers
1.) Read the points for the leader first.
2.) At the end of a TANDA if you don’t want to dance anymore with a particular lead, you say “THANK YOU!”, and leave the floor. Lingering, or continuing to chat while still on the floor will give the indication that you’d like to dance with that lead some more. However that’s not exactly a clear signal that you’d like to dance with him. If you’d like another dance with that lead at the end of the tanda you say, “Another ?”. Be clear, be direct, and don’t be shy in this respect.
3.) Never verbally ask a lead for a dance, or walk up to him and extend your hand and ask for a dance. The note above applies to the follower who is already on the floor with lead. I’m talking about initiating the dance to start with. One proper way to initiate a dance with a leader is to engage him in conversation and at the end of that conversation, you slip in that you’d like to dance with that leader LATER ON, not right now. It is considered RUDE to VERBALLY ask a lead to dance. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t Cabeceo him! This is an acceptable form of asking someone to dance, lead or follow! There is an exception to this rule: The Practica! If you are at a practica, you can ask anyone for a dance. The rules of a milonga go out the door at a practica!
4.) Let’s talk Pain or Discomfort in his embrace: If he is causing you pain or being too rough or is making you feel unsafe, here is what you need to do:
a.) Readjust that part of your body that he’s causing discomfort to or with, breathe in and out very deeply and readjust…what you’re doing is a bodily “AHEM!” or clearing your throat. This is warning number 1.
b.) If he continues, verbally WHISPER in his ear “OW THAT F*CKING HURTS!”, or “Could you lighten up a bit on that part of my body” – this is warning number 2. Note: what you do not want to do is invite a discussion or the application of his lead during the song. You are simply stating that you are uncomfortable and in pain, nothing more than that.
c.) If he persists, try to both readjust AND the verbal reminder at the same time – this is warning number 3, and its a final warning.
If it persists *AND* it is excessively painful to the point where you think something may break, and its in the middle of a song, stop and walk off the dance floor! Period. Do not explain, do not look back and do not discuss this. Bodily Pain is pain! Period. And no one should be made to withstand pain, especially in tango. If you think that its better to wait until the end of the song, go ahead and spare his feelings on the matter, however, you only have one body. Its your call: The FLIPSIDE of using this last resort -> be careful about walking off the dance floor and using this signal. Because EVERYONE will see you stopping in the middle of the song and leaving him standing there. Trust me this is a very strong message to send. You must use this strategy very carefully, exceptionally judiciously, and very very sparingly. Walking off the dance floor is only a LAST resort. Be careful that If you do this enough times, no leader will dance with you, because he’ll be fearful that you’re too sensitive. Also be prepared for his response!
5.) Taking Off Your Shoes. This is a clear signal that you’re done dancing for the night. Be careful how you use this signal.
6.) Saying ‘No’ only to say ‘Yes’. If you say ‘NO’ to a lead during a tanda, that does not mean that you can turn around and say ‘YES’ to another lead for that same tanda. ‘No’ means ‘no’.
7.) Stepping on another follower’s foot, APOLOGIZE! Correction, stepping on anyone’s foot aside from the lead that you’re dancing with, is grounds for an apology! Make eye contact during the song right afterwards and apologize with your eyes and a sad face, then at the end of the song, go up to them and verbally apologize and make amends! If need be, buy that couple a drink!
8.) Assuming you’re watching the floor and a particular leader that you don’t enjoy dancing with is coming over to you to ask you for a dance. You look him straight in the eye and you shake your head “NO”, mouth the words if you have to, but shake your head “NO”, and clearly look him in the eyes.
9.) Saying “NO THANK YOU”, is probably the kindest thing you can do for a lead that’s less than desirable to dance with. Its a keen way of saying, “GET SOME HELP!”. Never ever mention to a leader or another dancer that they need private lessons or classes, and never at a milonga. What you can say is that you enjoy going to a practica now and again to brush up on your skills and encourage them to do the same, and then leave it at that.
10.) Adornments, Boleos, and Self Boleos. Oy. If I had a dime for every follower that went boleo crazy in the middle of a song, I’d be a rich tango teacher by now. Ladies, please, please, please, please hear the following: The Self Boleo is NOT your default, nor should it be. Do not hold the boleo in crossed foot position rather let it go. Having said that, be careful with your adornments and boleos, if you are in a crowded space, and you have an unfamiliar lead, keep your boleos low to the ground or compact and tiny. Do not raise your foot off the ground in a tiny space! You’re wearing leathal weapons, they’re called heels, please be careful!
11.) Glitter. NOT! Trust me as a lead that has to go home and wash that shit off his face, and clothes, do you realize how much money I spend on dry cleaning alone in a month when I dance with ladies that have a penchant for glitter ? Do me, and the countless other leads that you’ve left a trail of glitter on, leave the glitter at home and bring your tango game instead! Another way of thinking of this is, that you can generally see who that follower has danced with in a given night by looking at the trail of glitter! Leave it at home. From the follower’s point of view, rest assured no one likes to dance with someone else’s glitter, its akin to peeing on your territory. Ahem.
12.) Same thing with PERFUME.
13.) Smile!
14.) Just a touch of love! Followers have several roles in the dance. One of which is to be an active participant in the dance, and that means in one respect that the follower has to be ever vigilant of what the leader is doing. Which is to say, If you see or sense, that he’s about to step on someone else or to back into someone else, harden your embrace and plant your feet. That may be a bit extreme and most leaders, the more advanced ones, really just require a bit of a gentle nudge from you, a squeeze or two to get the hint.
15.) Active vs. Passive. This refers to the quality of your dance. This is a dance of strong equals. That means that you have to show up for the dance you are in. That also means that you don’t want to be a weight, a heavy weight, or even a light weight on him in any way, shape, or form. That means you do not wait (i hate that word) for him but rather take his intention and RUN with it! At the same time your embrace in close or open, should not feel compressed or like you are holding onto for dear life! If you feel unstable, there’s a really good reason for it, and its not necessarily him (although to be fair, it probably is him to a greater extent). A good rule of thumb for stability is a simple 2 fold measure: a.) rolling through your step. b.) softening your knees. Grounding, Grounding, Grounding….trust me GROUNDING will kill your stability issues. That and some private lessons on the subject.